*Tonic:   one that invigorates, restores, refreshes, or stimulates.

Perhaps you are like me and are the fortunate beneficiary of having many strong, benevolent, and yes masculine (manly, male) influences in your life; for me from my very first days in this world.

As I explore this topic, I will interposition the eternal truth of the following concept:

*Win-win:   advantageous or satisfactory to all parties involved.

Many today try to define the world in terms of those that have and those that have not.  Or with regard to power dynamics, those with power and those without.  This is the basis of “identity politics”, perversely viewing people as amorphous groups and not as the unique individuals they are.

This concept has lead to the “common enemy” approach, that leads individuals to shame, call-out, harass, and attack others on the basis of their association with a perceptibly maligned group.

An infinitely better way to coexist is by using the “common humanity” approach used by Martin Luther King, Jr. when he stated:

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

He invoked the value of the individual, to be judged by the content of their character, rather than the identity of their group.

The “common enemy” approach used in identity politics is an example of a “zero-sum” us vs. them approach to life.

The reality is that life is not a zero-sum game, which is defined as follows:

*Zero-sum:  of, relating to, or being a situation (such as a game or relationship) in which a gain for one side entails a corresponding loss for the other side.

A zero-sum game would be, for example, a bet between two parties, where the loser of the bet pays the winner $100.

An example of a win-win would be when someone voluntarily pays $100 to another to purchase a good or service.  The purchaser is voluntarily entering the agreement because they feel the good or service provided will improve their situation (more than retaining their $100).  The seller also voluntarily enters the agreement because the amount paid for the good or service provided will perceptibly improve the seller’s situation more than the effort, training, and/or capital necessary to provide said good or service.

Win-win situations (most voluntary arraignments) yield gains for both parties, and played out repeatedly over generations has yielded the immense gains in technology and standards of living we now benefit from.  In many ways, the poorest among us today have access to standards of living that not even royalty enjoyed 200 years ago.

Zero-sum leads to entropy and often even worse, the us vs. them mentality can lead to war, destruction, suffering, and death.

I make this distinction to emphasize the eminent importance of magnanimous men in the world today.  Those of this world, both male and female, are beneficiaries of the many good men on it’s face.  Good men and good women are part of the ultimate win-win.

I write this in no way to be dismissive of women, “tonic femininity” is every bit as important as “tonic masculinity”, but for this missive I’ll focus my comments on the latter.

My dad:  How lucky am I.  First of all, I am fortunate to not only have had my dad in the formative years of my life, but to still have him.

My dad worked hard to support our family, he did so to provide the most basic necessities of life: food, shelter, safety.  His effort allowed my mother to provide around-the-clock care to me and my siblings, enhancing her efforts as an angel mother.

Beyond the basics, we had additional things we wanted and enjoyed, and my dad expended much effort in assuring we felt loved by spending time with us: whether it was playing sports with us, taking us out with the scouts, taking us to church, playful roughhousing at home, coaching our youth sports, or just having one-on-one conversations with us, his benevolent and masculine influence as been a standard that I wish to emulate in my own parenting.

He has also been an example of how men should treat women.  He empowered my mother, if we ever spoke disrespectfully to our mother it was dad who emphatically decried our inappropriate behavior and made it clear that such behavior is unacceptable.

He showed us that women should be held in esteem, and that our mother’s voice not only mattered, but should be given deference.

My brothers have also been perennially beneficial in my understanding of what true masculinity should be:

My older brother was with me from my day-one.  We are only separated by 15 months, and had a close relationship from the very beginning.  Virtually all of my earliest memories involve him, and they are overwhelmingly positive.

I remember jumping up and down in my crib at night and yelling out “Car, Car!” as any automobile passed outside the window.  Sharing the same room (and wanting some sleep) he would then encourage me to go to bed, haha!

In a more profound way, I still remember the first day he went to school.  I remember waiting by the window in our living room, greatly anticipating when he should return; I remember the joy I felt when I saw him walking the sidewalk toward home!

Why such joy?  Because I loved him, because he was a win-win in my life; it wasn’t him against me in some weird power struggle zero-sum game, it was us together, better because we’re brothers!

As the years went on we would become competitive in sports, we’d wrestle at times, or have “dead-arm” fights, and like most brothers we had to learn to sort out the bad and turn to the good, but he made me better in most every aspect I think can be measured, and at the end of the day I knew he had my proverbial back.

This is the same with my younger brother.  We had our spats at times, especially during our earlier years, but we came together with our love of the testosterone-drenched world of professional wrestling.

Now, I won’t claim that pro-wrestling is the best example of masculinity out there, haha, in many aspects it is quite the opposite.

However, the under-arching reason that pro-wrestling appeals especially to young men is it’s portrayal of good versus evil or perhaps the journey to overcome certain and formidable opposition.

Young men are in search of inspiration to face a world that is filled with the unknown, that includes tragedy, tribulation, and unfairness.  In many ways this is played out in the world of professional wrestling, and interestingly my brother and I went from having real difficulties in our relationship, to sharing a passion and bonding as brothers should; our own battles were no longer perceived as you vs. me, but instead replaced by emulating our favorite wrestlers and cooperatively staging our own “matches” while also enjoying the performances of the then WWF and WCW.

My cohesive relationships with both these brothers has continued to this day.

My youngest brother was an example of being a little masculine warrior: he was born very prematurely at 1 pound and 1 ounce.  He shouldn’t have lived for a day, but fought to live 6 months after his birth; he is an example of the determination, grit, and desire to live that a child barely 5 months in the womb can show when given the chance.

Yes, people are people even before they are born; my early-bird brother is a fighting example of that!

At age 19 I began serving as a missionary of Jesus Christ for my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).  I was in the Dominican Republic and facing the most significant mental, psychological, and physical battles of my life to that point, as I struggled to adapt to my new role, lifestyle, and place in the world.

I contemplated returning home early (my mission was scheduled to be for two years).  I went to see the president presiding over my mission unsure if I was going to tell him that I needed to return home.

Up until that point I had been fortunate to have had a number of conversations with my mission president that gave me an impression of the good man he was.

He was assertive and outspoken, but humble and loving at the same time.  Importantly, he was inspired by God.

When I went to speak with him, he perceived my intention.  He asked me if I believed that I was called by a prophet of God to serve the mission I was then serving.  I did.  He then told me something to the effect that “even if my mission were 24 months of hell, I needed to do it, because it was the right thing.”

When he said this, that message resonated with me powerfully.  I didn’t have a mental, psychological, or physical impediment that limited me from serving (and I don’t mean to be dismissive of those that have as they can be very profound and sometimes limiting factors), I just needed to accept that I would have hardship and that it was ok, because what I was doing was worth the sacrifices I perceived myself to be making.

My mission president reassured me though that “it wouldn’t be 24 months of hell, but that there would be lots of good times ahead too”.

He was prophetic on all accounts.  I needed his powerful masculine influence at that time to tell me what I may not have wanted to consider, but he always showed me love, concern, and compassion, and 19 years later still keeps tabs on me and supports me in my life and challenges.

I am fortunate to have many, many other great men in my life too.  Masculinity for me is a tonic, and not at all toxic.

Good men support, lift, love, and empower other men AND women.

Good men combined WITH good women produce the greatest results of all, good families.  Good families produce good communities.  Good communities produce a good world.

This is the classic win-win at it’s best.

*definitions sourced from Merriam-Webster